The game of what if…

The universe brought Alan and I together, at least that’s what I believe. Divine intervention as some will say…..okay. The belief that things and events happen for a reason is also a possibility, right? Have you ever played the hypothetical game with yourself? A friend or loved one? I am certain most of my readers have played or entertained that notion of “WHAT IF?” The what if game is basically making another scenario of how different some event could have turned out for yourself or others AND how that event could have altered your journey. I feel that game can take you into a deep rabbit hole, so to speak, as the outcomes and circumstances could affect so many people and destinations, possibly create life or death situations that could in turn create different lives. Even now, almost three years later, I can allow my mind to sometimes wander into that dark rabbit hole. I always find my way out of it, but there was a time, not too long ago, that my grief for Alan’s death kept me trapped in the what if hole. Some of my what if’s go like this:

What if I didn’t decide to join the Army after high school? What if I did join the Army but chose another career path? What if I was too chicken to go Airborne? What if I allowed all the negative people in the Army influence my career path decisions? What if I never met my first husband? What if I never met Hannah’s dad? What if Hannah had a brother or sister from my marriage to her dad? What if Hannah’s dad and I were still together? What if I decided to stay at Fort Bragg after Hannah was born, alone? What if I bled to death after giving birth to Hannah? What if I never decided to do a tandem sky dive with Alan? What if Daniel and I were not friends and he hadn’t introduced Alan and I? What if Alan had never thought I was his type? What if I didn’t respond to his emails at work? What if I did not have problems jumping that required me to meet Alan for training? What if Alan and I did not get married? What if I did not like the unit I was in and went to another unit in the Army? What if Alan had passed away while he was Active Duty? What if he stayed in the Army longer that 21 years? What if we never decided to move to Arizona? What if we had stayed in Arizona after he retired? What if he had started another career in Arizona after retirement? What if we did not move back to Corpus Christi, Texas? What if we decided that a career in law enforcement was not for him? What if he hadn’t passed the initial vetting process for the police department? What if he didn’t pass all the requirements to become a police officer? What if, the morning of January 31, 2020, Alan listened to me and stayed home? What if Alan got off just a little earlier the night of January 31, 2020? What if Alan stayed a little longer on the call before getting on the crosstown and responding to Michael Love? What if Michael Love made the speeding truck exit to expressway and did not stay on the over pass? What if Alan had been the 3rd cruiser to respond to the call instead of the 2nd? What if Alan had been standing where Michael Love was? What if Alan had survived but had been paralyzed? What if Brandon Portillo had stayed longer to keep drinking? What if Brandon Portillo took a cab home? What if Brandon’s truck had a flat tire and he never was able to drive it after he left the bar? What if Brandon Portillo did not drink that night but instead drove passed Alan on the crosstown and never hit the vehicles? What if Brandon had never been born?

See, I can play the game until my head hurts. Every what if question can become such a different path in my future and that of Alan and our kids. Each what if can then create another destiny to an unknown future. I stayed consumed with different paths I should have chosen or influenced Alan to choose. I do wonder, if Alan was still destined to die on that day. Could his death have been earlier? Later? In other words, God knew Alan would be coming home but why did his death have to be felt by so many people? Why did our grief have to be shared by so many strangers? Alan was ours, yet perfect strangers would talk about him or of him like they knew him. Of course, because of his public servant status his death had to be honored, I get that. I just regret how my kids and I never had our privacy during and after his death. I would never say “I wish I could do that again…” I hated everything about his death and the funeral and I was given that closure. Bottom line, Alan and I were supposed to meet. We were supposed to have been in each other’s lives. I still play the what if game, but the guilt of making different choices doesn’t linger as it did before. I don’t feel like I could have prevented his death. Our chapter, together, had to come to an end, I just wasn’t prepared for it to be so soon. Just because I have accepted his death doesn’t mean I still don’t “what if…”