Don’t look back, you’re not going that way!

I apologize for not posting in a couple of days, but my internet has not been working and so I guess that was a blessing in disguise for getting some sleep! Yes, I am proud to say I have slept at least 12 hours in 2 days, that is saying a WHOLE LOT considering what my lack of sleep has done to my health and “butt hole eyes”…lol. So, the title of my blog today…..”Don’t look back, you’re not going that way!!” I add the exclamation marks because it has felt like over the past 7 weeks and 4 days I am stuck looking back. I told someone early into the first few days of Alan’s death that I was living a real life Ground Hog Day or Twilight Zone because my mind goes back and stays on Friday, 1/31/2020. I remember everything from that day, from breakfast, to work, to all day texting with Alan, to my anxiety that day, to that night, at around 10:30 pm. I can tell you, I tried three times to get Alan to come home. I even asked him to stay home that day and play hooky with me, I have the text. Then two more times when I knew he couldn’t because too many people were off, I asked him to just come home early, just to be with us. “Why” he asked, “Are you okay?” My response, and it was true, “No, I’m not okay.” Did I have a weird feeling THAT WHOLE DAY——YEEEEESSS! I even cried at work, for no other reason than because I felt so sad. I didn’t know why, but I know I was anxious about something. The other two times he replied that he couldn’t because they “were short” people on the shift, because it was a Friday night, and because he was needed that night. So, do I look back, YES ALMOST EVERY DAY. Do I still cry, YES ALMOST EVERY DAY. Alan is gone, not away and will return later, like GONE AND NEVER COMING BACK. That is something my brain knows but my heart can’t seem to process it. So, I remember the first few days I felt like I was a zombie. Have you ever watched Charlie Brown?? I’m sure you have, at least during the holidays, but why I ask is because of the weird noise made from the teachers or adults as they respond or talk to the Peanuts Gang…you know that noise, that weird WAK WAK WAK WAK WAK…..It was the noise I heard coming out of everyone that talked to me in the first few days of Alan’s death. I couldn’t understand them, or maybe I just blocked it all out. I tried to listen carefully because I knew there were things that were important, like writing his obituary. When that day comes for you, for whoever it may be in your life that you love, make sure you are ready for that pain. You will be writing about the life of the person that you loved and spent pretty much every day with. That person that made you laugh, made you cry, made you safe, made you believe in yourself. The words you choose will be printed on this beautiful pamphlet that everyone will read so they can best understand and know your loved one personally, according to the person that knew them best. It also gets published in the newspaper and pretty much remains archived for any google search anyone does of his or her name. It’s an important task, so don’t take it lightly. So, listening was hard to do, but I tried my best during those few days. Then of course, you are asked, once the medical examiner is done with your loved one’s body, to pick out the clothes you want them to be buried in. Wow, have you ever discussed that with your loved ones when they were alive?? So then my mind started to think really hard and the decision I would make, again, would be lasting because this is what people will see them in, if you allow the casket to be open. It didn’t take me long to remember that yes, we had discussed this. You know when?? When we were in bed one night watching the news of an officer killed in the line of duty. Alan was a veteran, so he had a choice to be buried in his Army uniform or police uniform. He told me he would look sharp in his police uniform, so very matter of fact, he said, “Yeah, just bury me in that.” So, tears filled my eyes as I recalled that conversation that I knew AT THAT MOMENT of the conversation I would never EVER have to make that decision and I literally tried to forget we even talked about it, but here I was, sitting in my kitchen with a police officer tasked to take his uniform to the funeral home to bury my husband in. Wow, those were some very difficult days, I kept hearing (when I was listening) to people say to me or whisper to each other, “Wow, she’s so strong.” “Michelle, you are the strongest person I know.” “I don’t know how you are doing it..” I appreciate those statements, I really do, but even today, hearing them, I really don’t think I am. I think I had NO CHOICE but to put on my brave face and make decisions that had to be made because of the circumstances. If I had a choice, I would have chosen to just shut the world out and be left alone. That is not realistic, but that would have been my choice in case you really want the truth. So continuing with those days after Alan’s death, I was advised to get in to see my doctor. Why I wondered? I felt okay, my health was okay, but there was that important detail about sleep and about food. Also, while I stayed awake for almost 72 hours, I cried a lot. I was dehydrating myself as well as starving myself. Not intentionally AT ALL, I promise, but I was numb. I didn’t have an appetite and my brain was not processing this very well. I stayed consumed with all the things that I had to do and all the things that I would be doing for the rest of my life. I started to feel….I hate even saying it without feeling ashamed…but DEPRESSED. I stared at myself in the mirror one of those mornings where I knew I had to make a public appearance and thought…..JESUS MICHELLE——YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT!! I felt it too! My eyes were black and heavy with bags, my face was pale and skinny. My head hurt, hair hurt, everything hurt, to include my heart. So, because I like to research and understand everything that will help me process things, I read today about depression. You will be excited to learn, like I did, how scary depression really is. Depression is a common mental disorder. Globally, more than 264 million people OF ALL AGES suffer from depression. More women are affected by depression than men. In 2017, the world population was 7.53 billion. So, look at the numbers——264 million, 7.53 billion….quick what is the percentage?????? If I did the math right, that is roughly 28.5% of the world population that is depressed! That’s astounding to me. Maybe not to others, but I thought that was very high when the research also suggests that it includes all ages. It’s sad too, because you are factoring kids in there. I don’t want to be that population of depression. Nor part of the statistic. I remain drug-free throughout this journey, but I maintain my sanity through my walk with Christ and my responsibility to our child. Liliana is my saving grace and I don’t mean that jokingly, I damn well mean it LITERALLY. God knows my heart and knows what he was doing when Almost 12/13 years ago Alan and I prayed diligently for that baby. We spent countless appointments with a fertility specialist, then adoption agencies because we gave up, to get us to the point of pregnancy with her. We owe it all to GOD, no one else, for that blessing. From the day she cried in that hospital room in Fort Belvoir, Virginia on September 2, 2009, until just tonight as she asked me to read out loud the beautiful gratitude card she wrote just for me, I have been convinced God gave her to us because she would save me now. It sounds silly and I’m sure you doubt I really mean it, but have you felt my pain lately? Have you understood the sadness and grief of losing your best friend and then having to walk the journey that you once thought would be you and him, only to realize your path is darker and lonely without your partner to walk it beside you? Well, this little girl reminds me EVERY DAY who her dad was to her and to me. We were in the jeep a couple of weeks ago and a song came on that she remembered her dad dedicated to me in the car. We would talk and laugh and discuss things in the car, never really thinking she is listening all that intently to our conversations. Well, she was that day. That song, “In case you didn’t know” came on and Alan looked over at me, while holding my hand and with that beautiful smile and said, “This song is for you, babe” Lili tells me in the jeep, while I am sobbing, “God mom, daddy really loved you a lot.” Those little reminders from this little girl make me want to be better for her, do more for us and fight SO DAMN HARD for Alan when that day comes in court. Because she is so right, he loved me with all his heart and her. If you look at the picture that goes with this blog, it’s an example of the gratitude cards she has been writing me. I won’t show them all, because some things are private to us and she doesn’t like everything to be public, as it has been, these past few weeks. It actually has made us both real sad and angry to read about what people say towards our decision to pursue justice in various ways. Or about our personal life, which was personal, that is now the butt of a joke or locker room discussion. It is sick that some people feel we are fair game to talk about. Truth is, GET A LIFE, not my life, but get a handle on your own, unless it’s that perfect that you have to find faults in others. Our life wasn’t perfect but our love never skipped a beat. That’s what is important. That’s what Alan and Michelle McCollum stood for, LOVE. The title of the blog, Don’t look back, you’re not going that way——I try every day to focus on my unknown future and then the future of my girls. It’s still very foggy, I’m not going to lie. In the VERY beginning I would describe it as totally dark with no light in sight or understanding of what my steps would lead me to in the darkness. Every day I can feel the light from God’s little lamp lighting at least my feet so I can see my next step. I don’t see the end yet, but I know it’s there, because I have faith. Liliana, my family and close friends continue to support me along the journey. I don’t know what God has planned for me, but like I said in my eulogy, I AM READY, or getting prepared at least. Nothing about this new life is easy. It’s the biggest challenge I have ever faced on the biggest stage. Most challenges I had my best friend with me, Alan, so without him, I am relying on my own strength. I hate asking for help, but I know it’s there if I need it.