Just keep it together, TODAY.

You know that old saying, “One day at a time,” me too. I have used it and re-used it too many times to count. It is a great saying, actually. It reminds all of us that if we focus on ONE DAY and not the week, or the month, or the future that consists of so many unknowns, we can prevent ourselves from becoming overwhelmed and anxious. Sometimes that advice, though, is harder to follow than most people think, I tell you from DIRECT EXPERIENCE these days. Almost every professional you choose to talk to after the trauma of the death will give you something to read or somewhere online to go to for information regarding your grief, “aids” to better assist you in understanding the stages of grief and how to work through it. It’s all helpful, I am not trying to downplay it by no means, but you know what I did with all of it? It is all stacked in one big pile, sitting in my room. As I am crying my eyes out, screaming into my couch cushion or yelling in my jeep and beating the steering wheel with my hands because I am so mad at the universe in that moment, I could give a FUCK about a pamphlet that explains to me how, why and when to grieve. I am in PAIN! I am in ANGUISH, I want to hit someone, I want to SCREAM, I want to RUN….and run away from everyone or just run and hide. My pain is not getting better, my sadness returns DAILY and I feel like I’m spinning my wheels! Why did this happen!! Why did this happen to HIM, why am I here, ALONE and why do his daughters have to live in pain too because their dad is dead???!!!!!! WWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYY??!!!! Just keep it together….just keep it together….just keep it together. One day I will sort through the pile, I promise, but not today. Today, because we are practicing “social distancing” I decided to tackle one area in the home that has Alan written all over it—-HIS GARAGE. Alan was so proud of the garage he picked out and wanted to have in our new home almost 7 years ago. I still remember him explaining the details of “his” garage to me. He had to explain it in different ways, because I still didn’t understand his idea of our garage being a metal building, that was called a garage and then the size of it all was pretty amazing. His eyes would light up when he would describe the size and then all the “stuff” that would fill up the garage. Right now, today, this garage is a clear reminder of my husband Alan. It is almost 1/3 empty because, well, he’s gone and so I have been trying to downsize the things in this garage that I don’t use or won’t ever use for that matter. It breaks my heart, really it hurts my heart to get rid of or sell anything of Alan, but the truth is, I have to eventually, or else the items will become rusty and old and then I won’t have any choice but to throw them away because they will be useless. It’s a horrible decision that I have to make, along with so many other decisions that I wish someone else could make for me because quite frankly they are painful and make me sad, make Lili sad and remind me that Alan is not coming home anymore to use these things I am selling of his and he will never be here again to enjoy them like he used to. There is NOTHING at all happy about being a widow. NOTHING. Everything, to include the title of “widow”, is a big FAT UGLY BOIL ON THE BUTT OF MY EXISTENCE RIGHT NOW!!!! LOL, that was a bit graphic and gross, but it’s what came to mind at the moment. So, going back to why I started talking about Alan’s garage. I have been putting off going through boxes and bins that housed all of Alan’s documents, pictures or memorabilia of him. Every day I go into our garage those damn boxes and bins welcome me, they sit in my view and I know they are there, they know they are there, but I refuse to even get close to them because everything that I dread is in there! Alan. His past, his childhood, his military stuff, his parent’s pictures, old photo albums, you name it, like a time capsule, all that is in there. So, today was the day. I took a deep breath and I opened the first box, then the second and then the bins. It took me about an hour to sort through most of it and start taking things into our home to prepare myself to thoroughly ingest it all, in private and in the AC because today was a hot one! It was rough. If you look at the hard drive that is currently attached to our home computer, you will understand how much pictures meant to Alan. Alan was a man that loved to organize things. He liked to be organized and he liked to be able to find anything of his, by means of his organization. So, all of his pictures, from when he was adopted by the McCollum’s until the day he died are on this hard drive, well maybe 98% of them. Some pictures are still in his phone that he didn’t get a chance to transfer to the computer, so it pains me to know I probably will never recover those pictures for him. His phone was given to me after the accident, however, it is locked and more than likely will remain locked. You know, I still haven’t turned off his phone account….I don’t know when I will, I just like keeping it active because it’s a stupid feeling that makes me think he is still here because his phone is still active. I don’t plan to keep it active forever, but ONE DAY AT A TIME, right? I will decide when it will be turned off, just not today. I went through some real gems in the pile of pictures today. I honestly don’t think I have ever seen a cuter little boy then Alan. I would always tell him how damn adorable he was, and that is the truth! You would agree if you saw him. From the cute smile to the freckles and thick hair, this “little” Alan was every bit as adorable as the now handsome man he became. In one picture, in particular, I put that picture and a picture of my Lili, side by side, and wow do they look alike. My Lili saw it and agreed, she is as cute as a button, looking just like her daddy, but as a girl. What had me in tears, from the moment I saw it, was a book that I had forgotten we created. It is called, “Couples A record book about us. “ How sweet is that? There are various pages in this book that you and your partner fill out together. It is every bit as cute as it sounds. The part, out of ALL OF IT that actually broke my heart was the page titled, “Our future.” You can tell, throughout the book entries, the parts that are my handwriting and the parts that were Alan’s handwriting. He had a very unique handwriting, my Alan, so I definitely can tell when he wrote his entries. Under the sub-title, “What he wishes for” Alan wrote the following: To love each other for the rest of our lives. To raise a child of our own. To grow old together. Well Alan, we did do all of those things you hoped for in our future because according to our wedding vows, it was “til death do us part” and that is where our future ended, on 1/31/20.

JUST KEEP IT TOGETHER, TODAY……..AND I DID, BABE, I DID.