I still believe
Have you all seen the new movie, “I still believe” yet? Lili and I watched it last night and let me tell you, it is a very powerful movie. I don’t know if it should have been the movie I needed to watch last night, considering the emotional roller coaster I have been on, but it was such a good movie with such a powerful message of faith, hope and you guessed it, LOVE. I also wanted to do a Part 2 to the post from a couple of days ago, because I read it again and I didn’t want to leave you all wondering about my walk with God. Alan’s death, by far, has been the single most trying moment or event in my life where I have found myself grieving almost 24/7. I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost hair, I’ve lost sleep, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost hope and above all, I have lost the love of my life. I take one step forward some days, only to find myself taking two steps back by the end of the day because I am just overwhelmed or emotionally drained. I know, in my audience of readers right now, some of you have gone through something similar or something exact. So, I feel as though my candor on every aspect of the subject provides some peace to some of you, or maybe it opens up wounds for others. I will give just a little information about the movie so you can try to understand how profound an impact it had on Lili and I and why I have chosen it for my topic today. If you listen to any Christian music, you may have heard the name of Jeremy Camp and/or his music. I know I have, enjoying his angelic voice and touching lyrics. The movie is about his life in college, all based on true events, and the encounter with Melissa that changed his life and other lives forever. Melissa is a girl he meets his freshman year in college, and as boy meets girl, falls in love. Their love story starts the moment they meet, and continues until the moment of her death. Okay, I am sorry if I literally just spoiled the entire movie for you if you planned on watching, but that part has a lot to do with pretty much the entire reason for the movie and the impact of her life prior to her death. Their love story, although not identical to ours, does present some minor similarities that made me remember that first moment I saw the love of my life. That moment is how everyone describes it to be, like the world stands still except for you two. You lock eyes and stare into each other’s souls, almost confirming your destiny to be together. I am not trying to be all dramatic about it, but it is the honest truth. I won’t say I “loved” Alan the moment I saw him, like “Love” at first sight, but the immediate connection we both felt, was undeniable, and if he was here, he would without a doubt confirm that feeling. Jeremy and Melissa Camp went through the same type of “getting to know” each other dates and cute moments together that led to their love blossoming. I can recall our time right after we moved in together and all the “get-aways” we would take in and around the DC/VA/MD area to sight see and just enjoy each other, alone and together. Those special times is when we started to feel so much for each other and I thank God Alan and I had that together before deciding to get married and have a child. It was so important for our love as we matured with each other, that we had those alone moments. I did mention before how forgetful Alan was, right? Okay, well throughout the entire 16 years of knowing me, Alan will NEVER forget the first time he knew, without a doubt at all, that he knew he loved me and was going to marry me. We both joke about “our” moment, but all silliness aside, he will describe everything about his moment to anyone that asked. This is how he knew: We were driving home from a trip to Portsmouth, VA and we had the top down of my VW Bug. The sun happened to be shining on my face as he starred over at me. He says my face looked angelic and peaceful but it was in THAT moment, with the sun on my face, that he made up his mind and confirmed it with his heart, that he loved me. He knew I was “the one” and he made up his mind that I would be his wife. Now, if you ask me, I will tell you, and I will be truthful, Alan took my breath away when he opened the door to the rigger shed and I locked eyes with him for the FIRST time I saw him. Maybe I loved him then, I won’t say no….I WILL NOT ACCEPT OR DENY my feelings for him weren’t powerful in that moment. We both were married before, almost at the same ages, and had our kids about the same time, both girls, so a lot of our similarities bonded us. Jeremy and Melissa were both very young, but their destiny put them both on the same path despite their age and their inexperience in love. Love is the most powerful feeling and emotion that can do a lot to people. I think hate is a close second but has such different outcomes or affects on people but with still such power. I do believe and have always felt people, whether good or bad, are brought into our lives for a reason not a coincidence. With one person in particular in my life, because it was so traumatic, it actually started my walk with Christ. I know some of you reading this post may not be religious or believe in God or his Son, Jesus. I care that you don’t but I also don’t judge. Alan and I both believe in Jesus, the son of God, who died for our sins. We believe he died and rose again and sits at the right hand of the Father in Heaven. We believe once we die we have eternal life and will be in Heaven with our father and we will be sick no more, no pain, nothing but perfection. That is what we believe, what I still believe and what our daughters do as well. Miracles happen every day that are from God. God did not kill Alan in the tragic way that we know it happened, a drunk driver did. The drunk driver drove his truck that night causing the death of my husband and the horrible accident to Michael Love, resulting in his current physical inability to walk. God will heal Michael because I know Michael’s story doesn’t end like that. My prayers for his healing, along with the countless other believers, to include Liliana, confirm to me that Michael will be not only be walking, but will run one day. I still believe that, despite what some fears or doubts may plague my thoughts or his. The God that I know is a merciful God of love and of might and created the Heaven and Earth, why wouldn’t he heal this man, this amazing man, father and husband, because I pray for that? Why then, if I believe in Michael Love’s healing don’t I believe that Alan, being the amazing father and husband to our family be here now, healthy and happy? Alan was borrowed to us. Alan’s home was not here, it is in Heaven. When I wept for Alan’s body that I saw that night, the angels wept with me for my pain and sorrow but the rejoice of our angels in Heaven, the welcome home that Alan received was probably the most amazing thing ever. The heavenly sounds of the angels singing to open the gates of Heaven for Alan, the people waiting for him and the peace and love he felt comforts me now. I do believe God was right there with Alan as he took his last breath in this world, calming his fears if he had any. For 46 years, although we think was so young for Alan to leave us, God smiled proudly at the son he saw accomplish so much. I post so much pictures of Alan’s life, who can’t help but know and understand that he lived 3 times more of his life than most of us live in one life. He saved a life a year ago, and I know with his skills from the Army, he saved so many more when he packed their parachutes with the God-given skills he had. He spoke to so many people about God and invited them to church to ensure his place in Heaven when his moment came on January 31, 2020. Yes, don’t believe for a second I am not sad, I am human and my heart aches for Alan. God allowed me to meet this man, fall in love with this man, and experience life with him for all these years. Every day, for the last 16 years we were together even when we were apart because our love and our bond was so strong. We went through scary and rough times in our marriage that caused us to doubt our bond and our future, but in the end, we remained, husband and wife. In the end of the movie, Melissa is very sick (I won’t give too much of that away) but she tells Jeremy something that made me see so clearly about Alan’s life. Melissa believes her short life in this world still meant something and served its purpose. She uses the reference about stars because she loved anything having to do with the galaxy and the stars in the galaxy. She says, “You know the stars that shine the brightest—the ones with the shortest lives.” “When they die, they explode…the brightness outshines everything else in the galaxy…like a beautiful painting by God.” In that moment, I thought about how much I didn’t understand and still really don’t, about the short life Alan lived. Although I really don’t feel I will have a full understanding of “WHY” this definitely helped me confirm the enormity of his short life and how special he was to a lot of people. I saw his presence on this earth shine so bright at his viewing and funeral. People came from so many different places, have written to me, have called me, have poured out support in money, food, time, cleaning, talking to me, crying with me, spending time with us, mowing our lawn, why?? The reason was the impact Alan made on EVERYONE because his soul shined so bright when he was alive and now his death. He was a beautiful person and I am honored to have been witness to his brightness. Despite the days when I doubt and the days I am angry with God and the world for Alan not physically being here, I do feel him with me. Whether you believe in God or not, it’s not my position to judge you, I am only speaking from my experience, Alan’s physical body died on earth, but his heavenly soul went back home. There are nights I stay awake and blog or just pace my hallways thinking about him. I pray or I talk to God, sometimes I even talk to Alan. Those moments in prayer and in silence, I feel his presence. It’s real, I promise, the love of God for us and how much my Alan’s love is still felt by me and all of us. I still believe…..
