It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all

You all know that time of the year, when you start to remember something special is coming up….like a birthday, anniversary, first kiss, etc., etc. Yes, an anniversary. Alan and I loved anniversaries, in fact, he got real lucky with all the important dates that he needed to stay in my good graces. September was the month that he dreaded…lol, no not really, but that he knew he would be spending a lot of time and money on. You see, we start with September 2nd, Lili’s birthday, then September 5, my birthday, then September 8th, our anniversary. Our immediate family birthdays actually start in August, with Carissa on August 15, then Lili, myself and our anniversary in September, then October 20th was Alan’s birthday, followed by November 15 for Hannah. It was all pretty easy and pretty perfect for us to remember those dates. In fact, when we were thinking of our wedding dates in 2007, we both agreed, almost instantly, that our love was so perfect, how about making the date just as so….09/08/07 or how Alan remembered it best 9-8-7! He really pushed for the date because if you really knew my Alan, he was FORGETFUL!!!! Sometimes it amazed me how forgetful he was that I even didn’t believe him most of the time because it was so CRAZY what he could forget. Like, take for instance, we would go see a new movie, and we LOVED going to the movies. A month later, he would text me and say, “Baby, there is this new movie we should really go see!” Then I would ask, what movie, and his reply would be the one we HAD JUST SEEN!! Or months later when the movie hit the television and he would want to watch it and get all excited because he THOUGHT we had not seen it yet….but NEWS FLASH, WE ALREADY DID! I would even tease him and “pretend” to be excited then we would start watching and I would shout out the next scene and then the next scene after that…lol. Boy would he get all bent out of shape mad at me!! LOL, but we would make up, he would smile or laugh, then everything would be right in the world. Alan liked how most of the things in our life made sense or were perfect to him, like the dates of certain events in our life that were meaningful. He loved things like that, and he loved making us happy. In fact, last year for Lili’s and my birthday, as well as our anniversary, we had talked a lot about going to eat at the Hemisphere Needle in San Antonio. I think it is called by another name, but it is that huge needle that you see as you drive into San Antonio. We would frequent San Antonio a lot, in fact, at least once a month, just to get out of the city and take Lili on adventures. Of course, Alan would document any place we would go with pictures. ***BIG NOTE TO SELF AND TO YOU THE READER——
TAKE A LOT OF PICTURES! OF EVERYTHING*** I say that because I really took advantage and actually would roll my eyes at the amount of pictures Alan would take of EVERYTHING. Funny pictures, pictures of me eating, or me with my mouth open, silly ones, but he always took serious ones that documented that time in our life when we were together, as a family. Now, that is all I have, are these numerous folders that he created of our life together, literally from the time we met. How precious is that? I mean, it is priceless and precious because I find myself looking at them and remembering times that I thought I forgot, and there they are. There he is. There WE ARE. I am so grateful that he was so thoughtful and I regret ever being a jerk to him about it. Please don’t be like me with pictures, take a lot of them and share them with everyone, because now it means a lot to me. You never know, right. So back to my “anniversary” topic for today. You know what has happened to me that last couple of days? Well, other than cabin fever from this virus pandemic, but I realized an anniversary was coming up. I have been so caught up or just in a fog that I forgot about my brother, Lupe’s anniversary of his death. Real quick, so you can understand, Lupe was my older brother by 5 years. 10 years ago, March 27, 2010, Lupe died of a massive heart attack. Ironically, that same year in October, Alan’s dad died too. It was a rough one for us 10 years ago and it hasn’t gotten better for me, as you can tell. Lupe was an amazing brother and father. He took care of me when we were growing up and was always so affectionate. It didn’t stop even after we grew up and I moved away because of the Army. In fact, Lupe and I would talk pretty much every day when I was gone. If something happened in my life or career, guess who I called. He was my best friend. He was the ONLY man I ever trusted and loved, and then loved me back unconditionally. When I met Alan, Lupe knew Alan would take care of me and he really grew to love him a lot and accept him into our family. It was a shame that Alan didn’t get to know him for very long before Lupe died. So a couple of days ago, Lili and I decided to go visit Uncle Lupe and her dad and make an afternoon of it. A few weeks ago I was driving home on a day that was sad for me and I was having a hard time. I started to think to myself, “God, what did I do to deserve the loss of not just one important man in my life, but the second one as well?” “Why would you take BOTH of them so young and BOTH OF THEM FROM ME!” I remember shouting loud and crying hard in my jeep when that ugly thought stayed in my head. I screamed and pleaded with God for something, anything, to help me make sense of the emptiness that I felt at that moment. The emptiness and loneliness and anger! Angry at HIM for leaving me here alone. Like, I could bear and have been for the last 10 years the loss of my brother, but WHY???? WHY ALAN TOO!!!!??? God, help me understand this because it makes NO SENSE to me that they are both in a better place? Really, so it was so bad here with me that you took them both? Am I that unworthy of such beautiful and pure love of these two men? Oh, I had a lot to say to God at that moment. I remember feeling like I was suffocating and I couldn’t catch my breath because I was crying so damn hard. I was also driving, and I called my aunt because I was not in a good place at that moment and I needed clarity. I pulled over, finally, to talk to her and I sobbed and I questioned this. WHY? What did I do? God, I will do better, I will be better, just do something, ANYTHING, perform a miracle, make us go back in time, if it has to be one of them, please just bring them both, or one of them back. PLEASE, please, PLEASE GOD. I am not lying, those were my pleas to God. It is painful to lose someone so close to you. It’s been 10 years and no, the time doesn’t make it easier, that is a crock of shit, for REAL. It makes it harder, at least for me it did when I would think of my brother not being here another year, another missed birthday for him and his kids, anniversaries, etc., and he’s NOT HERE! Now, as the death of Alan is so fresh to me and to our family I start to think….we are going to have anniversaries now. 1 year will pass that he is gone and I’m sure that will be the time for pictures and for everyone to dress up and, “Say a few words..” and give their condolences and say their “I’m sorry” lines, etc. But guess what, the other 11 months prior, WE WERE IN HELL, just in case anyone wanted to know. Hell has now become something I feel that I am in, every single day that I sit in this house, alone. The silence is deafening when your other half is not here. The quiet can drive you INSANE. I recently moved my bluetooth speaker into my bedroom so I can listen to my music when I run or when I am feeling like the quiet is suffocating me. You NEVER get over the death of your loved one. NEVER. I know this first hand from my brother, but the harder blow is now Alan. I am not looking forward to August through November this year. I am not looking forward to Christmas because right after Christmas is January and that will be one year without my Alan. The 8 week “anniversary” was this past Friday, of Alan’s death. Nothing has changed in my heart or in my head. I have a lot of time to go through Alan’s things and every day that I do, it drains me emotionally. I am done, nothing feels good, nothing feels right, it is just silent. His voice, his smile, his presence is not here and I hate going through another day knowing that. He should be here right now in our bed laying next to me and not my daughter who is afraid to be alone in her bed now because her dad is dead. I felt horrible but I didn’t want to wash the sheets these whole 8 weeks. I finally took them off today and cried the whole time. It’s stupid the “things” you cling to that were probably meaningless before, like the scent of your partner in your sheets or on the pillow cases. I knew it was time because I couldn’t smell him anymore and it made me mad and sad because now that is gone too. I have been crying a lot the last few days being home because of this stupid virus that is keeping everyone indoors. I know, it’s not stupid they are making us stay home, but right now, at this moment, it is DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE because it gives me more time to think and be miserable. Lili and I finally decided to get out today, just for some air. It was nice, if even for an hour, to sit, together, and watch people skate at the skate board park down town. She mentioned to me that her dad and her used to come there a lot. I was shocked because I honestly DID NOT KNOW THAT. “FUN FACT” like Lili would say it….Alan had a long board not too long ago. Lili and Alan would get all mad AT ME because I apparently made Alan sell it. Really, I didn’t make anyone do anything, I merely suggested it only because I looked at it as something that could possibly hurt him and I was concerned! But, of course, they looked at it as mean and boring mom at it again! LOL, we laugh at it now, but she said he would bring his long board out there and skate! Like, WOW!! Okay, I wish I had seen that, but then again, I would be the party pooper telling them to stop, so I guess it was meant to be that way. She said they would laugh together and bond over moments like that. It made my heart happy to learn that but to know that she remembers and will ALWAYS remember, because that is what they did. Alan made moments with her always special and always about living in THAT moment. They were very close, I just can’t express that enough, so his death is very hard for us both. I’ll leave today’s blog with a broken heart again, as this is my “go-to” emotion these days. So, why the title to the blog today? It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all….because despite ALL THE HURT and heartache today, and ten years ago, I don’t regret that I loved them both. I will never regret it and will never forget and I only hope that my heart one day will love deeply as long as I am still breathing.