Que Sera, Sera…(Whatever will be, will be)

So, it’s been a little over two months since I last blogged. A lot has happened in our lives. For starters, I have been vilified by the media…social media really. Love me or hate me, I’m still standing! Everyone loves a juicy story, filled with drama, but the “real” story never really sees the light of the day all because drama sells, right? Wrong…when you are the people this is happening to…nothing of any story written about you or your family is fair or is ever really truth because you can’t tell a true story in one paragraph. No one really knew our lives before Alan’s death. No one but the people living in this home, the home where love was the center of our world. Alan and I were friends since the first day we met all those years in 2004. A real friendship continues and eventually develops into deep love and admiration. Our friendship grew overtime and we fell in love, married and had a beautiful baby girl. Marital bliss? Happily ever after? Yes, in a sense. No one knows the pitfalls of marriage and kids, money, no money, moving, military life, death, work, all that involves living a life in a society hell bent on seeing families broken and divided. Alan and I shared life together with so many joys and sorrows, we endured so much together and eventually made a decision to part ways as friends. The love, see, it never left us. Our love poured over through Liliana, the baby girl that was a perfect mixture of Alan and I. We loved each other enough to stay friends and raise our baby in the most sheltered and private life, away from everyone’s judgement and criticism of what we were doing or what we would become after we divorced. Our lives together or apart then and now was for no one to judge, and shame on all of you (if the shoe fits) that had or have anything to say about us. Alan is dead, let him rest in peace! Lili and I are alive, trying to maneuver our lives now in our new “normal.” There is no right or wrong way to get through life when you have just lost the closest person in your life. It is hard and it sucks! Every single day is another misadventure…you constantly second guess decisions and try your hardest to keep a smile despite whatever has just happened either in your home or outside of the home that affects your well-being. People are not kind at all to me, and honestly, it has affected me. I am not asking for pity from any of you or social media or the police department. Quite frankly, I like that mostly everyone has left our side, to include family. Again, judge me and my decisions without really knowing or understanding the whole story and only you look foolish because at the end of the day, the people that matter are in the four walls that I call my home. Gold digger? Money-hungry? Greedy bitch? Fake tears? Just a few descriptions of what people think about me that Lili and I read. Yes, Liliana read almost everything that people said about me and the lawsuit as well as my love life. As much as I try to hold my head up and disregard the comments about people who don’t even matter to us, IT STILL HURTS! Our lives have not been private since Alan died. We go places and some people recognize us or know our names and it makes me cringe. I don’t know if they will embrace us or ridicule us. It’s horrible. Did people really forget the actual tragedy? Alan died in a very tragic way! He was at work and minutes from coming home to us and his life was taken from us. A drunk driver sat at a local bar and had 18 drinks before getting behind the wheel causing the death of a Veteran, police officer, man of God, friend and father. Alan was a good man….THE BEST. He was kind and he was humble. He worked hard and was so wise beyond his years in almost everything he did. He loved life, he loved his girls and looked forward to his second retirement where he could finally rest and travel the world in a big RV. He looked forward to growing old, surrounded by grand kids and eventually owning a home in his home country of Colombia. He shared so many dreams of his future with me and with those close to him, that his death is something I will never understand. That is the true story and ONLY story that people should talk about. The travesty of losing a man of his caliber because of a drunk driver. I know that will be overshadowed by how much money people think we have received and who I am dating or whatever else mentions me in the headline. It’s sickening, really. My daughters are trying to move past this tragedy, both of them have been affected by this in ways that you can only imagine. It’s a horrible nightmare that requires a lot of encouragement, love, therapy, and numerous set-backs. I am glad I met a good man that has been such a blessing to me and Lili. Apparently people believe and have invented stories about him and what our relationship was or is. Again, shame on you if you have talked about him or us. I feel whatever will be, will be. It doesn’t matter if I reveal all my personal life to the world, people will judge me regardless. Are we happy, yes we are. Maybe not everyday we smile or skip along as if things are perfect, but even in our darkest moments since Alan’s death, we have survived. We will survive because that’s the only choice we have. Money or no money, it doesn’t replace the man that had such of an impact in our lives, especially in the life of his children. He will never be here on this earth again and people need to be held accountable for that. He was a servant that gave his life in the line of duty and that comes with benefits to help families cope. Despite what we may have been going through, it shouldn’t matter to you or anyone what happens going forward. Life will never be the same for us. Eventually the articles will be buried by something else for people to talk about or judge. Eventually we will have our day in court for justice for Alan. Eventually Lili will grow up and try to forget the tragedy and continue to honor her dad’s memory instead. Eventually things will really feel normal. I am just grateful for the people I love the most that still call or text or hug me tight when all I can do is sob. God has currently surrounded me with the people he feels I need now. Lili is surrounded by people God feels she needs now. Alan’s memory and his life will always be celebrated. Que sera, sera……