I’m BAAAACCCCK!

It’s been a few months since my last entry. A lot has happened to Lili and I. The one year anniversary has been the most important event that had the most obvious impact in our lives. I kept this internal countdown every month leading up to the anniversary. I don’t know if it was more of a survival countdown, like, okay I made it another month, or okay, we are getting closer to that day kind of countdown. Maybe both, right? Either way the day came and went. The most dread I had was my Lili realizing the day was coming and her telling me how the reality of not having her dad for a whole year was hitting her hard. In the beginning of this nightmare, Lili shut down completely to the point of concern. I never saw her cry, she stopped talking about her dad and refused to go to the cemetery. I didn’t know what to do, because quite honestly is there really a handbook for widows? There are resources, I get that, but everyone is unique and every death is not a one size fits all, so I was lost. I use the phrase, “I felt like I was walking through a pile of shit and I was sinking.” Fortunately, I feel better these days and the shit pile is not so deep! Lili has just recently started to talk more and more about Alan and cried more. There were moments, I will not lie, where Lili really lost it. It is the hardest thing to see and feel is your child totally broken and vulnerable. You hear the pain in her cry and your heart just sinks. In the beginning, I could do nothing but cry with her and get lost in the grief experience. I can say that today, with the medication and therapy I have been in, I can help her without losing it myself. I am or have gotten to the point of feeling the pain of Alan’s death but controlling how I react to it. My girls are both so amazing. Hannah has been an inspiration to me with her advice and her positive outlook. There have been numerous times I find myself calling her in tears because of something that happened and I don’t trust just anyone to know my hurt and risk criticism or judgement so I rely on my daughter to help me. She has never failed me through this grief process and I am so blessed to be her mom. Lili and I have grown very close too. I am very honest with her on decisions I need to make or tough situations that impact us both. I don’t like that she has matured so quickly from this tragedy. She has become a little woman right before my eyes because her dad was killed. She has now experienced what most kids her age won’t ever have to experience and it makes me sad. The flip side to that is she will grow up wise and with an appreciation for tough moments that she will know how to handle where others may not. I’m going to change gears for a minute. I recently went through a tough break up with a man I let into our lives assuming the best in him and his intentions. I will not go into details but I am getting my life back on track and focusing my energy on the path to recovery. My priority is again and will forever be my kids. I let my defenses down and my vulnerability was taken advantage of. Never again! I live and I learn and I am never going to do that again. I hope that I do find someone some day, a friend first and then see where that leads. I’m lonely and I miss having my partner in this life. It’s a very sad experience to go to bed alone and sometimes wake up and that side of the bed is still made. It helps when my Lili comes to sleep with her mama but I know there is going to come a time when she stops doing that and will be on her own, living her life. When I think about her leaving to college or starting her life outside of her home, I get so sad. I know I will be alone and I will have to survive the loneliness. I do start thinking about traveling alone or picking up a hobby that will occupy my time. The thought of going back to work does cross my mind too. I am currently enjoying this time in therapy and investing in my child’s well-being. I am beginning to focus on my life NOW not my life then. I see the road ahead of me, not looking back at the road I just walked through. Along the way I find myself making mistakes and sometimes letting myself go off the path, but I am back on that road. I keep going because I have no choice, it’s what I have to do and I have a little person depending on me. I was told today that I am now creating her “norm” and her environment. I have a huge responsibility to raise her to be a good person. I can’t let her down. I know Alan left this world knowing his daughter would be taken care of by me, so I can’t let him down either. I need to start setting goals again. I want to focus on a realistic future, even if I start off small and plan for month to month, something I want to accomplish or destination I want to discover. I feel the need to start making my happiness a priority even if it means being alone to do it. Liliana deserves to feel happiness as long as I can provide it. No one will make me feel unworthy again. I am a damn warrior! I am a survivor! I know my worth. I am a boss bitch in every sense of the word! I can and I will…PERIOD! Yes just like Arnold said….”I’ll be back.” Well I AM BACK!